Sunday, 2 October 2016

greatly struggling

the support company is constantly putting on agency staff for my support and ive had so many problems with them over the years i feel very depressed because of the way my staffing is,theres no routine to my staff,i dont know any of them.
the agency staff i get hardly speak a word of english,dont speak and just sit their playing on their phone or even worse they sleep,plus ive been told they cost the company a lot so why dont they ask around different creative support projects to look for staff who may not be working that day/night, instead of using agency? hell i may not know them either but at least theyre properly trained in my conditions and will have self control.

my mental health is really low at the moment,no one is sorting out activities and i even had a very important specialist appointment cancelled by staff last monday because she didnt want to wait a few hours to see the top professor whom i was supposed to see,it said that there was a long wait on the letter and she booked herself in as the staff to take me so why the fuck did she do that?
ive waited years to get an appointment sorted and then they go fuck it up on me,now ive got to wait till the 24th november,i suffer badly from trigeminal neuralgia every day ive had it since i was 18 and this appointment was supposed to be a way out,hopefully an offer of an operation to get rid of it, the medication stopped working years ago but i have to keep taking them because im also on them for epilepsy.

Sunday, 7 August 2016

being transgender plus sexuality stuff...and maybe other bits,i dont know

i never understood gender until my late twenties, i thought boys and girls were the same because of my highly generic thinking and processing around humans, i visually and mentally see all humans as the same therefor they are the same-that is my thinking. so it took years of training to finally understand that theyre different.
well i realised i had always been like a boy even as a toddler from photos and what my mum says and i know looking back i was exactly like a boy,i was taught about transgenderism and i very much related to it,so i came out as transgender about 2 or 3 years ago,i want the operations and testosterone to help me be more like me.

i love it when people address me as a bloke,it means i dont have any girly bits apart from my horrible huge boobs which i want cutting off i feel like they are alien to me, i have an issue with my voice though it can be quite high or at least i think it can,i need specialist speech therapy to help me train my voice.

i find it extremely difficult to understand sexuality to,again it was around the same time as gender that i learned what sexuality was, and what boys and girls do together,i totally dont understand that-i just dont get the concept,it doesnt make sense to me why people enjoy touching themselves either.
i relate to being fully asexual and fully aromantic,ive had a few people with moderate/severe learning disability try to be my boyfriend but as much as i liked them ive had to let them down very carefully as they all didnt understand that not all people feel a need for a boyfriend.

i was hounded in previous group and residential homes for walking around in shorts and sports bra because they said that i might make the boys want me,i never understood that to me we thought the same- thats another thing,i never understood until quite recently that people think differently, ive always felt that everyone thought the same as me and got very insulted when people had different opinions to me-especially if it was about me,i still struggle with that but i dont let it show and i realise people do have different waves of thinking,i have to keep that in mind otherwise i let it slip.

i still walk around in a nappy and sports bra or shorts and sports bra in my apartment because i still dont understand people and one of the managers next door has told staff to stop letting me do that,for fucks sake i got my own apartment so i could live without the restrictions of a group or residential home,i absolutely hate clothing for sensory reasons and i really felt hate when i heard her say that to me,she told me to put some clothes on when she comes into my apartment,i thought fuck you-this is my apartment,i can dress how i like.
maybe im wrong but hey this is how i think currently.

project PECS; my new business

i am 'low functioning' in the eyes of the autism world as under british definition autistic people who have intellectual disability are low functioning to varying degrees as our ID flavours our autism and day to day living, it doesnt show our skills though and one of mine is making PECS symbols,im very good at it and make them for myself and now have started a new project giving [soon to be selling] PECS to parents of autistic children who are desperate for communication with their child and cant make them for themself,im only selling them to cover the costs of making them.

if you are in the UK and would like PECS made for you,get in contact with me and we can discuss needs.

About me

this is my new blog,ive had a few but i outgrew them.
i hope you will enjoy my views and join in with comments to.

i am 32 years old,i am transgender female to male,i have classic autism;i was born severe but gradually in my later years i became moderate and moved into my own apartment with 24 hr support and also had my support cut from 2:1 to 1:1 which is a lot more freedom and means im better.
i have mild learning disability [under the UK definition, which in america means intellectual disability],i also have a bunch of other stuff,eg; severe sciatica caused by 20 hours of continuous police restraint and then further rough restraint whilst sectioned,epilepsy,challenging behavior,anxiety,depression, psychosis,hyperacusis,sleep apnea etc.

i am a mixture of introvert and extrovert which really annoys me because everyone thinks autistics have to be pure introvert and i even know various support staff who think a persons autism is more 'severe' if they are pure introvert, i hate that kind of thinking as that leads to people labelling YOUR autism as milder and see your needs as lesser,even though you most definitely are not mild-all because you dont feel the need to stay in your bedroom all day-pure introverted autism is just another flavour of autism it isnt any more severe or milder than mine or anyone elses!

i only started swimming at 29 [and only then in a wet suit] because of how severe my sensory issues were- i grew up unable to touch water,i struggle with wearing clothes or socks or shoes i strip off down to my sports bra and nappy-id take my bra off to if i didnt hate my boobs [read transgender post] i only ate three things and they had to be the same brand-im not as bad with this one now but im still rigid,i had pica my whole life i eat everything from toothpaste,to grass to sticks and ive also eaten shampoo and washing up liquid in the past few years but tend to avoid it now as it really burns my throat, i only started communicating with people as an adult;the rest of the time it was echolalic one word responses,i made lots of cat noises and i was told i spoke exactly like a cat since a youngster ,i have severe challenging behavior  and had it so extreme at one point that i got sectioned for four months in a learning [intelectual] disability hospital,i have a rigid routine and freak out at change, even more so sudden change, i have no feeling in my bladder or bowel-i cant process the sensory information that they send so im still in nappies,i line things up,my visual processing is made up of lines and colours that form to make generic imagery-i see all people as the same shape and i struggle to identify them or other items, i see people as objects-i dont have any emotional connection to them,i use PECS for communication when struggling to talk as well as for my timeline,i also have a AAC program on my phone to use when i am struggling to speak-just because you can speak doesnt mean you cant struggle to get language out. i hate it when people think i now do it easily,they dont realise how much processing and energy goes into it,i am giving up on speaking slowly i cant cope with it. i dont care that staff see this as regression i see it as a coping strategy.i wish i had never gone to greenways hospital then i might have avoided becoming speech enabled,speech is so difficult i hate it.

i dont interact at all with peers,partly because i dont relate to people and dont feel a need to,and partly because ive been severely bullied my whole life.
ive also got learning disability which flavours my autism more,ie makes it more difficult and rigid.
this is just a fraction of my autism,so how can they say i am milder than someone with aspergers just because he is a pure introvert? we are all different,im fed up at being compared and put under a severity label because support staff dont understand the meaning of the word spectrum.

i love animals extremely more than anything and i have three fish tanks,two rabbits and one support cat named shadow who has special needs himself.
i love disability activism but i havent done this for a while as ive had no internet for nearly a year now.
i love making PECS for myself and other people, i am starting up a project/business type thing selling PECS to people,its something i can do and i love the fact i can do it mostly without support.
i love going in sensory rooms.
i love good coffee.
i love helping people to understand autism and learning [intellectual] disability,especially the more severe ends as parents find it very difficult to understand if the child is not verbally talking.
i love cartoons,and collecting mugs with animals on,and collecting plates with animals on.
i love thomas the tank engine! i have a massive thomas train set but everytime i set it up shadow jumps on the track and trashes it,im waiting for my dad to tack it to an mdf board so i can put it away after use,i love the motion of the train to i can watch it for hours,i collect thomas stuff;eg figurines, quilt sets etc.
i love my nieces [5yo and 3yo],i admit it took me a long while to attach to them because of my difficulties relating to humans but i see them as my own so i mother them-you see,you can be autistic and loving.
i love special olympics; i am a boccia athlete but havent been able to attend for a while due to lack of driver as its miles away in crewe [i live in manchester,UK] i used to be a swimming athlete to in their low ability class but my sciatica made it impossible-people dont realise just because its the special olympics it doesnt mean its for people who cant do anything-the training is tough,its no different to normal olympics;just adapted.
i love better things LGBT support/social club, its for people with learning [intellectual] disability, i go to this every month and we go out to the gay village a lot,its really cool.

so thats it for now,thats me ,i will probably adapt this further as i waffle a lot and im being told i have to go with my staff to get some potatoes from my dads alottment.

dont hate me because i use 'autistics'/'autistic'

i recently got slated on facebook by someone for using the word autistics as a way to describe us.
i was making a positive post about my up and coming project;making PECS for people who dont or cant make them themselves.
i used the word autistics and boom,a girl took offense straight away and left a crying emoticon.
i said to her to check out the autistic community because this is how we describe ourselves,very few people with autism dont mind the description of autistics as we see it as an identity and not an illness.

i have no idea if she even came back to me,i honestly dont care as i made my point and she can do what she likes with it.

i have no idea why using autistics or autistic is offensive,i find it offensive that people find it offensive because its like saying we have to see it as a illness;something that is only one part of us and not as a whole part of our lives.
people who arent autistic just dont get it.